by justin | Aug 29, 2023 | Connection, Empowerment, Inner Work, Mind |
Humans seek pleasure, its a fact of life.
How we go about it can sometimes be messy and often seems to take us out of their integrity and deeper knowing. I always find it sad when I see both women and men fall into the trap of seeking physical pleasure or stimulation as an outlet or source of connection. Sometimes this is what they need at that moment, but all too often it is a poor substitute that a deep experience of presence and authentic intimacy can bring.
It can be hard to tell the difference though. How do we know if our more primal desires are leading us or if we are being called to action by our hearts and higher wisdom?
Something I’ve shared with my clients is the idea of checking our internal system when we are faced with crucial decisions. Whether its investing in a company, deciding to fly to visit family, or going home with the stranger, I find its important to give more than just one aspect of ourselves a voice.
I call this, “Asking Our Inner Council” and the process is quite simple. Whenever you face a decision that seems unclear, allow the question of what to do to run through the five voices of your body: gut, mind, heart, groin, and spirit (which resides at the very top of the head). As you do so, notice what happens in those areas. Is there relaxation, contraction, expansion, warmth, or cold?
For example, let’s say I was unsure if I should leave for a trip this weekend or wait until the following month. I would give myself a moment of calm breath, and as I bring the question into my awareness, I feel into the different aspects of my inner council. Perhaps my mind is a yes, yet I notice that my gut feels tight, my heart feels a bit closed, and my groin and spirit seem silent.
An essential key to this tool is to not attach yourself to the reasons why a particular council member is saying something. The practice here is merely to listen impartially and take note of all your inner voices.
Sometimes there may not even be an answer from a particular council member. That’s ok as it simply means that they’re neutral and its often a sign to listen even more closely to the voices that are speaking.
That said, these days, while I not always looking for a hell yes from five out of five before I decide on something, at the least my heart needs to have a quality of opening and my gut needs to feel safe and secure for me to even consider doing something that I may not have a full yes or clarity on.
This may seem like a lot of work to do every time we make a decision. Two things I believe deeply in are that the amount of awareness or consciousness we bring to our life, the more vivid and rich it becomes. The other is that all life is a dojo and we are always given opportunities to practice.
When it comes to this systems check, the invitation is to practice it when the stakes aren’t that high. Try it when deciding where to have dinner, if you should go to that party that you’re not that committed to, or where to go for a weekend getaway.
Then as with all things diligently practiced, the speed and quality of communication in which you’ll be able to receive wisdom from your council will increase and when it really matters, it’ll make all the practice worth it.
***
I’d invite you to make this process a part of how you make decisions for a week, or even a month. Keep a journal and take note as to what happens when you listen to your guidance, or perhaps when you let one of the voices have more of a say than the others.
I would even suggest not to follow the guidance of your inner wisdom, just to see what happens. Although I’d probably keep that one for when the sakes are low, such as whether to do the dishes or hold off one more day.
Having used this tool for well over a year, I feel I’ve reached a point where I’m making better decisions for my life, especially when it comes to when I’m seeking pleasure. At times I’ve questioned why I’m not seemingly as turned on by everything that I see and even judged myself for not being as social for the sake of finding more partners. Heaven forbid I may even be getting old!
I’m clearly seeing how momentary pleasures don’t serve me, and I’m harnessing the vital creative energies into meaningful pursuits. It seems the more clarity we have about what is important to us, what are our priorities, and what we’re not willing to compromise, the more we find ourselves aligned and resonate with what life, and our inner wisdom, is asking us to do.
***
When we’re just starting out with this practice it can often be helpful to have someone we can share what we’re hearing with and have them reflect back. If you’d like more guidance or are unclear about a decision in your life, feel free to reach out. I’m happy to be of service.
by justin | Aug 29, 2023 | Empowerment, Intimacy, Mind, Relationship |
Intimacy. It can often seem like such a loaded word bringing up everything from fear, excitement, hope, curiosity, and even ecstasy.
For some, it brings to mind visions of candlelight, soft music, and bodies pressed up against each other while others feel the tremor of breath just before speaking their truth and bearing a tender side of their heart to a friend or loved one.
We all get to choose what intimacy means for us, and yet I believe the current flavor of intimacy that is promoted through upbringing and the media is sorely lacking. Ideas that intimacy can only be safe, wholesome, and welcomed within a romantic or sexual partnership has left us inexperienced and awkward with what it means to deeply connect platonically and without agenda.
It is sadly far too common for women and men to end their days starved for connection with the consequences becoming more apparent and alarming. With much of our daily attention insidiously hijacked by entertainment, media, and the newest shiny thing on our feeds, isolation and disconnection is rampant in our culture. Men feeling increasingly more confined by a culture that says they need to figure out their problems alone while women continue to find themselves disenfranchised by emotionally unavailable partners.
I believe the lack of mature platonic connections between men and women weakens the interconnectivity of our communities and diminishes our resilience leading to dependency on intangible government structures creating a culture where it seems safer to interact with our screens than it is to share our hearts and minds with our neighbors.
In an attempt to disempower those in their care, the powers that be use the media and religious ideals to proliferate the idea that intimacy is only for sexual relationships. Sadly, the result of this all too often cultural narrative, is shame. Shame which weaves its way through so many of the personal and interpersonal challenges of our modern age. Addiction, mistrust, suicide all stem from a lack of feeling connected to a larger whole.
Let’s change this.
I believe it would behoove us to gently broaden our scope past the current frame that implies intimacy is a physical act and would only be appropriate with our romantic partners.
Fortunately, some of the greatest teachers of intimacy are all around us, children. Children in their innocence, before the shame game begins. Before they’re told that kissing each other just because is bad, or that boys aren’t to be trusted and girls have coodies. Children play, laugh, touch, share secrets, and generally speaking have a grand old time together. Unmasked, without guile, and without fear or judgement.
Of the three definitions given by Merriam-Webster for the word “intimacy,” only one has a sexual connotation. The other two speak to informal warmth, closeness, a sharing of what is personal. While sharing our bodies is, without doubt, a personal choice, this still leaves us with the emotional, mental, or even spiritual aspects of ourselves that we can share with others.
I have often found the highest quality experiences of intimacy are shared in simple and profound ways without preparation, sheets, or the need for fireworks. These moments of revealing can come as honest conversations with friends, intentional smiles, a show of vulnerability to a stranger, a warm and unrushed hug, or the tender revealing of our hearts to those around us through word, song, or dance.
All it takes is a willingness to be present to what’s often already happening. To breathe deeply into the moment with another. To allow, to smile, to soften. To let go and be, just a little bit more together.
***
What are some of the ways you express platonic intimacy with others? Do you find it difficult? Is it easier to be close with those of your own or the opposite gender? What are some of the reasons or beliefs that are in the way?
by justin | Mar 15, 2023 | Leadership, Mind, Regulation, Wholeness |
I’ve made mistakes.
Some of them grievous, some of the small.
All of them have weighed heavy on my heart.
When I feel regret, it burns like a fire inside. Like there’s an animal that rushes to be tear through the peace of the kingdom. Like a spark upon dry brush that seeks to cause more chaos than the action itself.
I can feel my inner child raging. Angry, indignant, hurt, and scared to be abandoned by others.
“I didn’t do anything wrong!” he screams as he stamps his foot.
***
What do we do with regret?
Even after we say we’re sorry, there often still seems to be dissonance and unresolvedness that leaves us feeling like we’re not good enough or less than. That we somehow failed, let someone down, that we’ve ruined something, and that its all our fault.
The hardest part of regret is how it creates isolation and distance from others. Even though it always takes two to tango and there is usually fault of some sort on all sides, we can be left with the feeling that there is no one else besides ourselves to blame for something not being right in the world, that we’ve ruined something, that its all our fault.
This misalignment, this dissonance, creates the fear of being cast out, of not being good enough, and we are often left with shame, guilt, and the self-judgment of feeling like something we’ve done is out of alignment to our inner view of ourselves.
I believe this to be one of the greatest tricks of our ego.
In the face of adversity and confrontation, our ego desperately wants to hold onto a perspective that allows it to be on the moral right of things. And when actions or situations imply otherwise our ego’s find all kinds of ways to resist and scratch.
Our modern culture has created numerous ways that all seem to encourage our avoidance of uncomfortable emotions and sensations. Whether its substance abuse, aggression, unhealthy sexual appetites, or binge-watching the latest season, it seems many of us will do anything to take us out of our inner experience and avoid the emotions of our inner world.
This is often referred to as spinning out or acting out. There seems to be a desire to get the uncomfortable experience out of our systems. To be free.
But what if freedom is really about going in instead of out?
***
In my life, I’ve faced the beast of regret many times, and each encounter has been a tricky one. Just when I think I’ve rebuilt the castle and the villagers are at peace, it comes again like dragon demanding its due.
I’ve realized over the years of not listening and watching it crash through my inner kingdom, that the dragon isn’t going away. But then again, neither am I.
So armed with a courageous heart, awareness, and healthy portions of self-love, humility, and forgiveness, I decided to sit with my regret, and listen.
Within the rage and the storm of my ego’s discontent, I heard something, a still, soft voice.
As I listen closer I found myself in the eye of the storm, face to face with an aspect of my ego I wasn’t expecting. This wasn’t the loud, demanding voice that screamed all around me that demanded action and release.
Instead what I heard was a vast and immense helplessness. The stark truth that sometimes there’s nothing I can do to make things better, that it’s out of my hands, that the milk has been spilled and even though the mess has been cleaned up, sometimes crying about it really is, all there is left to do.
And at that moment, all becomes still, and peaceful.
***
I return as often as I can to this feeling of helplessness.
It’s not always pleasant, but becoming familiar with this still point that lays within all of us is vital and essential work if we are to find peace with others. It is only from a place of inner stillness and humility that we are able to find wholeness and integration through the inevitable follies of being human.
In a world that teaches and thrives on detachment, let us be bold and brave in our willingness to evolve. To say we are ready to do the work, that we will no longer accept an old narrative that seems to encourage not only our separation from situations and the people involved but on a deeper level, also asks us to participate in the deepest cut, the detachment from ourselves.
We can’t always make it right with others. There may still be grudges held and hurt feelings. What’s important for our own lives is that we find meaningful ways to process these situations and the emotions they bring up for us.
To say we’re sorry, to learn the lessons, and with grace and elegance, forgive ourselves, and each other, for being imperfectly human.
by justin | Feb 28, 2022 | Body, Boundaries, Leadership, Relationship |
There’s something within our humanity that longs for our stories and experiences to be heard, seen, and felt by others (especially the gritty ones that often leave us feeling shame and guilt).
We fill this longing in different ways.
Sometimes it’s a conversation between two friends, perhaps it’s through therapy or coaching, or even within intentional sharing containers.
What we are really seeking is something I call Active Empathy.
This flavor of empathy is proactive and comes with a desire to meet us halfway in our experience, regardless if it’s what we think, how we feel, or what our body has to say about it.
For some, Active Empathy is second nature. But for most of us, it’s a muscle that could use some work.
The ability and capacity to sit with uncomfortable emotions (both another person’s and our own) and the willingness to support the process or processing of hard stuff isn’t easy.
The reason many of us are hesitant to step into Active Empathy (as opposed to Active Reaction), is because a part of us is afraid that by letting another person’s experience impact us, it will somehow leave us less than or that we’ll lose part of ourselves.
This is wise. Without clear intention and a sound Inner Relationship, it would be easy to lose ourselves in the stories and swirl of another.
So what to do?
The answer lies in having a clear distinction between what is mine, what’s me, or my emotions vs that of the other person.
The tricky part is, for most of us our sense of Inner vs Outer has never been intentionally distinguished.
This often leaves us unsure how much to step in, how much to support to give, and to know when too much is too much.
What we find is how our ability & capacity to support others in stable, grounded ways is proportionate to how sound those experiences are within our Inner Relationship.
Trees that stretch wide and bear fruit do so because their roots are deep & sound.
What I’ve found is the more familiar with my essence, energy, or being’ness, the more empathy and presence I am able to offer to another’s emotions and expressions.
So how do we become more connected and familiar with our essence?
The simplest invitation is to begin a practice (yes this requires doing more than once!) of sitting with ourselves, with the intention of becoming familiar with our felt sensations.
I like calling this, “Soaking In Our Essence.”
Practically, this looks like sitting in silence with hands on the body and allowing ourselves to sense or feel whatever appears to be our essence.
Often this shows up as a felt sense, a warmth, or something that feels like home.
And sometimes, there may be nothing simply because it’s been a while since we’ve turned our inner light towards ourselves.
Over time, we develop an Inner Trust that allows us to enhance, expand, and (this is key) contain our essence.
We begin to notice how someone else’s emotions really do feel different from our own.
We begin to be able to stand fully with someone’s experience and not collapse into their expression or the situation.
Through this, we engage our Active Empathy. We find we can truly Be with someone, without having to fix or judge the depths of another’s Darkness nor to shrink or deny their Light.
As we do the work of solidifying our energies and grounding our essence, we become more of service & benefit to others, without losing ourselves along the way.
by justin | Feb 22, 2022 | Brotherhood, Community, Spirit, Wholeness |
Benevolent, Brave, Aware, Loving, Bold…
Many words can be used to describe what it means to be a healthy man in today’s modern world.
The one that speaks to me most though, is Brotherhood.
The importance of men joining together during these times is unquestionable. For far too long we’ve been divided and in that division, toxic attitudes and beliefs have spread like a virus upon our planet, communities, and relationships.
As the world around us continues to unfold, evolve, expand, and change, even the best of us often face adversity, challenge, and even lose their way.
I know I have more than a few times…
Being in Brotherhood can be challenging and confronting for many of us who grew up without masculine accountability. I now believe it is a vital aspect to an integrated and loving future for everyone.
Through men’s development work, I’ve been able to ground a sense of connection, stability, and inner strength deeply within myself. I’m grateful for the meaningful relationships with men and elders who light the way towards the best aspects of myself.
The things I want to change, my brothers show me reflection.
The things I want to release, my brothers keep me accountable.
The things I want to challenge, my brothers give me support.
Our world is stepping into higher levels of consciousness, and there is much work to be done. It’s vital men move towards cooperation, and away from competition with each other.
As we bring more awareness to these ideas, I believe the illusion of separation and isolation so many men feel will be washed away with the support and presence of other men doing the work.
As each man does the work of bringing forth the highest aspects of themselves, we create a world where healthy, benevolent men stand in the wisdom, strength, and love.
A world where women feel seen, held, and free in the fullest expression. A world where the depth and intimacy all humans crave is cultivated, celebrated, and nourished through the harmonizing of our masculine and feminine energies.
We’re stronger together, and the time is now.
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