by justin | Sep 6, 2023 | Boundaries, Empowerment, Leadership, Mind |
The world doesn’t need more Vulnerability.
As something often asked of us in relationships, leadership, and the latest meme, Vulnerability has never sat right with me.
There’s much more to what we actually want from ourselves and each other.
Too often these days, Vulnerability is used as an accusation, a veiled demand, and sometimes even a threat.
If someone isn’t vulnerable, it’s often perceived or assumed that something is wrong, there’s something to hide, or the person isn’t willing to “do the work” with us.
(To be clear, this isn’t a gendered thing, though I do believe men are often left holding more of the request of this due to our current power dynamics and how traditionally men held more power, which means we hold more of the cards, control, and as such, responsibility to create and offer safety.)
What I see us actually wanting, is Transparency.
We want people to take their masks off, to let us see through the roles and personas we all navigate the world with.
Surely, this can be and feel Vulnerable. And while there can be great intimacy created when we share ourselves, unless it is an empowered and consensual act, it often can end up feeling like coercion, both consciously and on a somatic level.
To me, asking someone to be Vulnerable often creates too much wobble within a relationship. It implies that we must throw open our inner gates and let someone in, and if we don’t, we’re doing it wrong.
This may seem extreme, but feel this in your body and see how it resonates. Asking someone to be Vulnerable, can often be felt by the receiver as a subtle, and often unconscious, power play.
It asks too much of another person to let their guard down and denies their sovereignty and consensual choice. When someone is vulnerable, while also not quite ready to reveal themselves but thinking they should, they end up overstepping their boundaries.
Done too often, this dynamic can create resentment, caution, and over time, potentially resulting in the exact conditions that lead people astray and away.
I’m not saying asking or desiring our partners to be vulnerable is wrong. Instead, this is an invitation towards a more mature and mutually empowering way to contextualize what, to the body and younger parts of us, is a big ask.
As we mature as people, it benefits us to inspect and ensure the words and requests we make of others, and ourselves are maturing as well. Our ability to hold more context and subtly increases, and is a natural process when infused with care and awareness.
Let’s be sure we (collective we) haven’t latched onto a word given to us in a meme or book written decades ago.
Instead, I’d present what I see to be a more stable way to navigate the need and desire to know and be known that is mutually consensual and empowering.
Within the context of conscious interpersonal relationships, what I’ve come to is the following…
Transparency is the request
Vulnerability is the choice
Revealing is the action
Receiving is the gift
Let’s break this down…
When someone asks us to be Vulnerable, what do they actually want? If their intentions are pure, they want to know us better.
There’s a range and nuance to (all of) this, from simply wanting to know what we think and how we feel, to wanting to feel safer with us on both somatic and philosophical levels.
Here’s the rub.. To be Transparent, which requires both safety and bravery, we also need space to say no. This is how Vulnerability becomes less of a directive and more of a Choice.
But what is actually being chosen when we choose to be Vulnerable? It’s the Action of Revealing.
Within Revealing is the awareness of regulation and responsibility, both towards others and within ourselves. Sometimes, what wants to come out, isn’t appropriate (to me, if there’s a lack of compassion and care, and the relationship is valuable to me, it probably isn’t ready to be spoken or seen, yet).
As people who desire to know and be known, our ability to regulate what we share with others, along with what we truly want from those we are in connection and relationship with, becomes an offering and invitation, rather than something that if lacking or not present, indicates something is wrong.
The last aspect of this, the complete circle, is the Receiving of the Revelation and what’s been Revealed by the person who has requested more from us.
This is crucial. If the person who is asking us to be “Vulnerable” doesn’t actually want to hear what is needed or wanting to be expressed, is experiencing too much dysregulation to be a steady space for our expression, and/or we sense they don’t actually want to ride our Relation-Ship and weather some storms together, let it be ok that they don’t get the gift of our Revelation.
This way, there is shared responsibility and mutual empowerment that comes from a place of consent, honor, and wholeness.
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What’s been your experience with Vulnerability, both as something desired and received? What do you find works, and what doesn’t? Do you need certain conditions before you’re willing to reveal yourself?
by justin | Sep 5, 2023 | Archetypes, Community, Leadership, Spirit |
Once upon a time, a peaceful people found themselves together.
As seasons changed, so did the people, and they found their peace became disrupted and disturbed. And the people said this was bad.
Disagreements arose where steady ground once was, and the people said this, too was bad.
A call arose from those loudest, “Our space needs Safety!” And the people said this was good.
As time progressed, the people created rules, laws, and culture that sought “Safety.” And they said this was good.
Yet their shadows, the disagreements, the untended felt-but-unspoken, began to fester and quake. And the people, within their perception of Safety, did not see.
Until one day, the formless shadows found form. In a crash of expression and need to be seen, what once hidden, became known. And the people, though not all, said this was bad.
They went to the elder council and asked, “What do we do? What of our Safety?” they demanded.
The council took pause and said they would discuss and return with their guidance in the morning.
All throughout the day, and all throughout the night, the people heard and felt within the council’s tent discourse, silence, shouting, and laughter.
All the while, the people waited with emotions swirling and needing release. Holding each other, some shook, some cried, some called out in grief of the safety that once was.
Upon the morning, the elder’s tent opened and the council formed its shape around the people.
“Safety is an Illusion,” one voice spoke clear as a bell.
“Without Control, it is but a dream.” a trusted voice spoke.
“Who here, desires to be Controlled?” the eldest of them asked.
Silence covered the crowd as they looked to one another. Controlled? Not I they each thought!
“Is there no one present, who desires dominion over others, desiring also to be dominated?”
“But… what of our Safety? How can we be safe?” a small but steady voice asked from the crowd.
“If there is no Safety, what is left?” asked the first voice, still clear as their voice carried.
Murmurs and discussion arose as the people turned to each other, eyes wide and present to the inquiry, and each other.
As the crowd found they had no sure answers, they began to look back toward the elder council, silent and present in their wisdom.
Finally, breaking the silence, spoke a young initiate who had but only recently returned from their quest.
“What’s left is Bravery.”
At this, the crowd looked to each other with confusion and curiosity in their eyes. The elders smiled.
“Speak further,” the eldest of them requested.
Shy but sure, the youth spoke, “If Safety is an illusion, and what seeks it is Control, then what’s left if, we are to remain with each other, is Bravery.”
Looks of budding awareness crossed the crowd, and smiles arose on the faces of the elders.
“And it is so,” spoke the first voice, “Our space is Brave, perhaps not Safe. Yet we remain together, present, willing, and without the illusion of Control. There may be conflict, there may be disagreement, yet our Circle remains. And we will be Brave.”
At this, the people looked at each other with fresh eyes. They knew, the days ahead would be hard, and there would be strife, and yet they felt something new.
A spark of what had always been there, once stifled by the blanket of illusion, now given space to breathe. Each finding more space for themselves, and each other as fires burned bright within and without, all the days and nights evermore.
And the people, said this was good.
by justin | Sep 4, 2023 | Community, Evolution, Inquiry, Spirit |
Recently, I was privileged enough to be in Vietnam to experience their National Day, which celebrates the declaration of their independence from French colonization in 1945.
It’s quite a feeling to be in the midst of such relative revolution.
Unlike the far distant and quite disconnected feels I get during July 4th (more and more so these past cycles), it’s uniquely humbling to be in the felt presence of elders who witnessed and lived through that brutal experience.
What does it mean to be free? And what costs are worth its attainment?
It’s surreal to see joyful children playing in motorized toy tanks driven by smiling, hopeful parents whose own parents were undoubtedly doing quite the opposite in the real thing decades ago.
These days, the concept of Freedom seems overly angsty and comes with an energy far from honorable and benevolent. It seems too often a weaponized method of destruction rather a force used for collective betterment.
But perhaps that’s the nature of things. Does Freedom inherently mean more for some, and restriction for others?
Something I’ve felt strongly here as I’ve walked the streets of Hanoi, eaten the food of the land, and interacted with its indigenous people, is how the Vietnamese live (and surely fight) with their hearts.
There’s an unpretentiousness here that I find refreshing (and challenging at times) compared to Thailand’s ready smiles and warmth.
And yet, it has me wonder how that manifested, at what cost, and in today’s context, is it ever worth it?
While I’m far from qualified to speak in depth about generational trauma, it seems to me the impact and influence of colonialism and domination upon the human psyche is undeniable.
What’s tough is how it’s hard to not see in their reflection how the harsh depths of war, subjugation, and racism are still very much alive (and dare I say well) in the world.
When is it justified to resist, raise a voice, and to rebel?
As I see the bubbles of families on motorbikes buzzing in the bustling streets of chaos, children protected by fierce parental energies, and the strong sense of ownership and celebration of ancestral land, it becomes clear that, in this case, the strife and bloodshed of those seasons many years ago, was worth it.
Perhaps it’s always worth raising a fist, when it’s in service of a new hope, a renewed future, and a generative outcome.
This is a stark difference from what I see happening in the lands of the West.
Instead of Freedom being something that breathes life to the ground, I see it used as a reason, an excuse, and for those less grounded to be treated as weeds instead of seeds.
What will become of us when we have no more roots in the ground? When we lose the vibrancy that comes with a multi-cultural garden? What flowers will no longer grow? What will we do when the birds and bees no longer return?
Freedom is a choice, but it’s also an offering. An offering to future generations that requires heart, grit, and protection.
It also seems to come at a cost. Perhaps anything worth its weight requires sweat, sacrifice, and when needed, blood.
Even the seed’s action of pushing through the dirt as it reaches for the sun can be seen as forceful, yet without this movement its beauty and potential would wither the dark.
Perhaps there’s enough for everyone. Maybe it demands we free ourselves from excess and offer back land so that there’s more to share. Instead of dominating each other, we can learn to subjugate the shadows of humanity through maturity and tending of our collective hurt and grief.
This would require us to get dirty, to spend time in the fields with the heat of the sun on our backs, to slow down and discern what is in fact a weed and what is a seedling that needs our protection.
Perhaps this means we remember what our ancestors knew, that laughter and effort go hand in hand in cultivating the land, and each other.
And, perhaps not. Perhaps these are the overly idealistic ramblings of a hopeful human who’s been touched by the spirit and beauty of benevolent Freedom.
One who dreams one day of abundant harvests from collective gardens that grow fertile, flourishing, and free.
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What does Freedom mean to you? What Future vision do you hold, that makes it worth fighting for?
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