by justin | Jul 1, 2021 | Connection, The Body, Wholeness |
Have you ever touched or poked a baby’s belly?
Something you may notice is how soft and squishy it is. Almost like there’s no resistance or holding.
Almost as if they didn’t know any other way than to be relaxed, at ease, and in surrender.
***
On a physical level, our bodies are fascinatingly sophisticated and interconnected. Through muscle systems, fascia, flesh, and bone, all aspects of our body are very much connected to itself.
I believe this quality of connection creates energy circuits throughout the body. Some might call these meridians, nadi’s, or even chakras.
When these channels are blocked, stuck, or held too tightly by the mind or muscles, they affect our energetics, emotions, and sense of holistic well being.
This is why after a good massage, we tend to feel amazing, vibrant, and ready for new things, whereas before a session, the tightness of our body has us feeling sensations of discomfort, limitation, or even pain.
Where does this constriction come from, and what can we do about it?
Often, our body’s way of handling life’s stress and challenges is to tense up.
Over time, our muscles tighten into holding patterns that lead to physical imbalances that eventually seep into our minds affecting our mental flexibility, attitude, and emotional state.
When we hunch over at our desk stressed about a project, our shoulders and upper back muscles bear the weight. When we feel shame or guilt, our torso collapses and we lose our uprightness and vital posture.
And when we don’t feel safe or are in fear, we tend to hold much of our emotions in our stomachs.
The challenge is that, more so than other muscle systems, our core stomach muscles connect to practically every other part of our body.
It has also been said that our stomach and its muscles are where we hold the most emotions, also where some believe our inner child lives.
Sadly, for so many of us, this young, innocent, soft aspect of ourselves is what holds most of our unconscious tension and fear.
As we grow older, from babies to toddlers and beyond, we begin to gain more experiences that seem to inform us that all is not well, that we aren’t always safe, that not everything is ok.
As adults, we unconsciously carry much of this into our daily lives.
For some, this can manifest as overeating, addiction, or even aggression, all of which can be seen as coping mechanisms and a means of avoiding the emotions that may be stuck and held in the belly.
What I find most useful is remembering that through my intention and consciousness awareness, I can actually use my mind to affect my physical and energetic system.
Through practice and awareness, we can begin to show our younger self that things are ok, that no one is here to hurt us, and more importantly, that we, the adult, are holding them in good care.
***
At this point, you may be wondering how to go about beginning the process of rewiring our patterns of holding and reconnect with the child within our bellies.
The process I share with clients is quite simple actually, but as with all things new and meaningful, does require courage, presence, and a commitment towards practiced repetition.
Chances are if you’ve read this far, you’re somewhere safe. While you can do it anytime and anywhere, in the beginning, it’s best to practice on an empty stomach.
If you find it helpful to internalize and turn off distractions, close your eyes.
Take a breath, place a hand on your stomach, bring your awareness to where your hand meets your belly, and without judgment notice how it feels and the sensations you experience.
Is it soft, is it tight? Could it be more relaxed?
What happens when you give yourself the gentle invitation to relax your stomach muscles a little bit, then a little bit more, and just a bit more again.
What you may find is a range of sensations. Everything from resistance, feelings of losing ourselves (or surrender), to unexpected joy. Notice what thoughts arise and perhaps what emotions are asking to be felt.
What you may also find, buried under years of tension and unprocessed emotions, is a spark. That spark is the innocence, creativity, and vitality of our inner child.
A child that, like all children before they’re told otherwise, desires to be free, expressed, and unafraid in its excitement to connect with the world and those in it.
Sometimes it may feel like “oops too much!” and our child may shrink away and tense up again. That’s ok, and it’s all part of the process.
Take a deep breath, give your child some space. Smile, watch a funny movie, share a warm meal with a trusted friend.
And try again.
What this process does over time is rewire our relationship to what we find fearful and dangerous. As we find inner ground, we can take this into more challenging situations.
(Please note: These kinds of practices are not a replacement for therapy or other modalities that engage with deeper trauma.)
***
When we begin a dialogue between ourselves and the innocence held within our gut, it is wise to be gentle, to be slow, and to approach the process with non-judgment of what arises.
To be clear, this has nothing to do with whether someone has six-pack abs or not. Even the fittest muscle in its relaxed state has a quality of suppleness and a lack of resistance when it is touched or pressed.
As relaxation and ease become more familiar to our bellies than resistance and holding, the channels and energetics of our body structure begin to soften, and we find fresh flexibility and a free flow of energy in the mind, heart, and spirit.
They say the reason Buddha’s belly is often as large as his laughing smile is because he’s unattached to the past and future, and therefore he’s full and joyful in the present moment.
May this practice bring such joy and freedom to you, your spirit, and the inner child within.
by justin | Jul 1, 2021 | Communication, Connection, Relationship |
Conscious relationships, whether they be platonic or romantic, are a dance.
To dance well with a partner, there must be a shared understanding of leadership and followership such that in each moment of a harmonious dance, someone leads, and someone follows.
If both dancers lead, there is resistance.
If both dancers follow, there is confusion.
While traditional gender roles may or may not be useful in this context, I do believe polarity and acknowledging the masculine and feminine, the moving and surrendering, aspects in all of us is important.
For the dance of conscious, or intentional, relationship to be mutually meaningful and nourishing, it requires that both partners bring a shared level of presence and awareness to the dynamic.
Unlike traditional partner dancing, where one dancer, usually the man, leads the entire dance and the his partner follows, the dance of conscious relationship not only allows but requires much more space and fluidity.
What adds to the feeling of flow within a dance is when both partners are actively engaged, and when neither dancer is overly attached to leading or following.
A key insight to keep in mind is that in order for a romantic relationship to continue in meaningful and healthy ways, at any given point, someone must be leading.
It doesn’t matter if that tends to be one partner in particular or if there is a graceful ebb and flow between the two dancers.
This could mean that when one person is under resourced, stressed, and is perhaps unable to guide the dance, their partner gracefully takes over and leads.
Sometimes the leader follows, and sometimes the follower leads.
But at all times, someone must be leading.
Otherwise, we can quickly find ourselves in stagnation and the passion within a partnership slowly dies as polarity weakens and both dancers are left with a sense of wondering what went wrong.
The best conscious relationships are when both partners meet as equals and are actively present and aware of who is leading and who is following in any given moment, all the while being generous in allowing their partner to lead when appropriate and to follow when it suits.
A dance between two partners who have equal and mutual responsiblity in co-creating a shared experience of movement, play, and joyful connection.
by justin | Jul 1, 2021 | Relationship, The Body, Wholeness |
How can we gracefully allow love back in after a heartbreak?
Often, romantic, and even platonic, relationships that end with heartbreak and challenge can be the most difficult experiences to reconcile.
Whether it’s a friend whose priorities shift, a family member who no longer sees things the same way, or a lover who leaves without a word, these experiences often leave lasting imprints upon our heart and soul.
In the moments after a loss, often all of our insecurities, doubts, and disempowering self-talk not only gets louder, it also seems to say these unwanted guests are here to stay with us forever.
When I work with clients through heartbreak and loss, the process I take them through focuses on three areas: Feeling the body, Processing emotions, and Freeing the mind.
Feeling our body is often the most important, but also the hardest step. It requires that we be willing to face ourselves with courage and fierce presence.
It often means feeling all the sensations that have been numbed or avoided through addictive tendencies or avoided by focusing on outward activities.
Often one of the first things I offer my clients is the permission just to stop. To stop doing, to stop trying to make things better, to stop the rationalizing and understanding of the situation.
To simply Stop, Drop into the body, and Feel.
I find this is best done through a combination of breath, movement, sound, and awareness practices.
As we show our body that it is safe to communicate with us, that we will and are listening, the process of healing begins.
This takes us into the next step, Processing our emotions.
We live in a culture that has more often than not told us that emotions are unwelcome. As such, when we feel an emotion that is intense, unclear, or just plain unpleasant, we tend to distract, disown, and ignore.
Sadly, this often leads us to be passive-aggressive, lean co-dependent, to seeking saviors, and to act out through unhealthy behaviors, most of which are learned either from parents who didn’t know any better or the media that thrives on keeping us in cycles of drama.
Fortunately, there is another way, though it isn’t always easy. This is where we do the work of processing and integrating our emotions.
Instead of putting our attention outwards, Processing our emotions means owning our emotional experience as sovereign beings. To feel them fully, finding new ways to relate with them, and to integrate both their subtlety and intensity so we can once again find our wholeness and solid ground.
The good news is that on the other side of the tears, grief, and letting go, we find relief as our body and spirit returns to peace and stillness.
What can be interesting is how Freeing the mind comes last, even though it is often the mind that is most agitated and is seemingly what demands the most attention.
In fact, I believe that once the body is brought back to alignment, as a friend, not a foe, and our inner emotional dialogue is kind and loving, the mind naturally comes along for the ride.
Over time, our perspective widens, our clarity returns, and we are able to see our past with objective eyes that allows us recognize and integrate the lessons that will make the next relationship we step into be one that is more grounded, healthy, and empowered for everyone involved.
It’s important to remember that as humans, often what creates trauma and hurt comes more from how we’re processing (or not processing) situations and how we relate to ourselves than the actual situation or those involved.
It has been said that relationships provide the most fertile ground for personal and spiritual evolution. All relationships, platonic or romantic, provide a gift and opportunity to know ourselves in deeper and more profound ways.
Aspects of past relationships will always stay with us. While this can feel tragic at times, it’s good to remind ourselves that there is much beauty in having loved and lost.
Through all the tears and hurt, there are also seeds of hope and innocent desires for peace, certainty, and expansive love just waiting to be nurtured and held.
It is often through the hardest experiences that we gain the most vibrant colors and depth with which to create the Art that is our life story.
by justin | Jul 1, 2021 | Connection, Inquiry, Wholeness |
What does being “conscious” mean to you?
I often find it tricky to use the term “conscious” to describe ways of being or action, not only because it tends to be an overused buzz word, but also because the distance it can create.
For some, the concept of being conscious resonates on many levels and is something to strive towards and be identified with.
For others, it seems to be a confronting concept. One that creates resistance, unease, and even passive aggression towards those who would use such a lofty term to describe themselves.
While we can always add meaning and definition to words, something I like to do is check out the definition and etymology of words.
For starters, according to Webster, the definition of conscious is to be “aware of one’s own existence, sensations, thoughts, surroundings, etc.” or alternatively, to be “fully aware of or sensitive to something.”
The etymology of the word shines further light. According to Etymonline, the adjective variant of “conscious” stems from two words, “con” and “scire,” which, when combined, means “to know thoroughly.”
What this brings up for me is the question, how many of us can truly say we know ourselves thoroughly?
It’s an interesting inquiry for human beings who I believe are, by nature, in a constant state of unfolding and discovery in each present moment.
It seems what makes this concept confronting is how it seems to point to not only how much we really don’t know ourselves, but also how much we resist our past and experiences.
Often these aspects are connected to past trauma and unintegrated experiences that are stored in our body and psyche.
When these experiences are not processed or integrated, we begin to act in ways or create patterns of being that buffer us from uncomfortable emotions and sensations.
Unfortunately, this tends to manifest in our lives as addiction, co-dependence, and other destructive tendencies either towards ourselves or others.
What makes this more difficult is how, by no fault of our own, we very much live within a culture of avoidance and distraction.
Perhaps due to what I see being inherent brokenness and unsustainability in our current way of living, it is all too easy, sometimes even necessary, to put our focus outward in order to cope and function as upstanding members of society.
What I find is often in the way of us stepping into higher states of self-awareness is how we must face, accept, and love equally the good, the bad, and especially the ugly aspects of our past and current ways of being.
I see the trend towards becoming more conscious being indicative of our collective awareness that there’s more to who we are and what we can become than what we’ve been told or dictated to by our parents, governments, media, or inner critics.
Perhaps we resist the idea of being conscious because we intuitively recognize that the process of conscious awareness requires change and responsibility.
And as we know, our fragile ego’s don’t often like change or the work, tears, and effort required to stand within our light and dark.
What’s exciting about this dynamic though, is how much we are in the driver’s seat.
We are always at choice whether or not we are willing to truly see, accept, and love ourselves.
I see the path of consciousness as a moment by moment invitation.
An invitation that asks us to slow down, invites us to reflect on our actions, and one that offers unyielding permission to engage with ourselves and others with a quality of care and active curiosity that brings us into the present moment.
I believe Love at its highest vibration, loves unconditionally. It asks us to accept and embrace fully all that’s lead us to this point.
As we shine more light within, we find we naturally shine more Light without.
Our way becomes easier, the path becomes more clear, and over time find we become a beacon for those who have perhaps not yet discovered the fullness of their inner light.
by justin | Jul 1, 2021 | Communication, Connection, Inquiry |
What really happens when someone says no to our request?
Often our minds will say that something, is not ok.
The body tenses, and the voice in our heads tells us that we really should have kept our mouth shut and desires hidden. That we’ve done something wrong and that we are now to blame for things being less than what they were.
Something you may notice in the previous paragraph is how much it’s about us, and not really about the other person.
It seems our default is to look at the “I” instead of seeing that there is also “you” and how, ultimately within any invitation accepted or not, there is “we.”
While it is easy for us to see what we want as being important, necessary, or even perhaps good for the other person or situation, if we truly believe in our own sovereignty and freedom to say yes or no to things, it would be quite the broken circle if we did not also offer as much of the same permission of choice to others as well.
This means letting go and surrendering.
And if there’s one thing our ego’s do not like it’s letting go and surrender!
In fact, it seems our modern culture is very much built on the fallacy that if we let go, we are passive, weak, and just asking to be taken advantage of.
What we often forget in our rush to get what we want is that in each moment comes an invitation to move or be moved.
We are always in balance between creation and surrender.
This is perhaps the surrender that is often spoken about. The feminine aspect of life that I feel many of us, men and women, are still finding grace and understanding with through our modern times.
At its core, I see the concept of Consent being a question of love.
How much do I love this other person to allow them to own their choice in taking care of themselves?
How much do I love and value myself to know that even in the face of a “no,” I’m still good, all is well, and nothing is broken?
When I choose to soften into a space of love, even towards those who are hard against me, I access greater compassion.
Compassion that allows me to not only accept another’s choice and desires but also to welcome whatever hurt and disappointment that I’m feeling about the situation.
The challenge, of course, is often our fear of rejection, looking bad, not getting what we want, and being unlovable clouds our judgment and closes our hearts.
It’s important to be reminded that in the moments just before we risk making a request that the fear of rejection is nothing more than our ego’s resistance to the unknown.
Ironically, if our egos had their way all the time and every request we made was met with a “yes,” it would be great for a period of time before the novelty would quickly diminish and Life would become pretty boring.
Instead, we can choose to courageously engage with others knowing that even though our minds and ego may desire things to look or go a certain way, the reality is that we are always in a shared unknown.
This space of unknown can be resisted, or viewed as playful co-creation.
Like children who, as playful, curious creatures, ask for and engage simply for the joy and thrill of it, so can we exercise our ability to adapt, stay flexible, and be present to what is, instead of staying stuck in our mind’s expectations.
This is why children can watch the same movie over and over without getting bored. Until they’re told otherwise, they give themselves full permission to be in a constant state of wonder and mystery.
Thankfully, we live in a movie that continues to change and evolve with each moment, even when the characters are the same.
As humans walking the path of consciousness and empowerment, we are always at choice, even when the situation or our minds tell us we aren’t or haven’t been.
When we soften into the present moment with curious hearts, what arises can lead to depths of love and connection our minds can’t even begin to imagine.
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